This time we really abduct a crew
Bill gave me a noselong look. "So I guess we go get those Mormon squares now."
"Hey, those guys are going to be valuable assets."
Bill glanced down into device that I had never seen before. It was like a blob of lime jello with pineapple chunks made of light suspended within. "Looks like you can catch them before they round the corner to the courthouse. You may not want to wait much longer though. If they disappeared in front of a cop, the Mormon authorities would get notified immediately."
"So?"
Dogstar jumped in, "So, then the Mormons would be after you. We're talking about the Mormons as a whole here. They're fairly sophisticated. A great percentage of the FBI is Mormon."
"Of course, this doesn't mean they're competent," Bill added.
"Krikey! But even so, do they have this kind of technology?"
"Think about it, mummy. If Sweden can get you this kind of technology, just think what the FBI has. Now, combine that with a fact you already know. The Latter Day Saints collect genealogical information on everyone. They are starting to look formidable, eh?"
"You've got a lot to learn."
"Oh shit. You mean, all the stuff they talk about is true? They get their own planets? The Angel Moroni and Joseph Smith and all that?" They let me stew that around in my empty noggin for a while. "I just had a vision for my great project. I'm going to save the United States. One Mormon at a time."
"They are not your main concern. Stay on your vector, S'mummy," Dogstar commanded.
"Why is that?"
"There are worse evils."
"Such as?"
"Scientology, for one. Set, for another."
"I can see that this bit of business is going to be difficult."
"So much to unlearn."
"Screw it. Let's nab those Mormons. If it doesn't work out, we'll release them back in the wilds of Salt Lake City.
That ought to make them happy. And besides, isn't that what UFOs are supposed to do? Catch and release?" I rubbed my bandaged mitts together. "I just want to blow their minds first. Since I got no mind to blow, I've been braving all the information you've been slinging at me."
"You ain't seen nothing yet. There's the darkside moonbase. Then there's Mars where the original mummies are."
"Wait, more Spacemummies?"
"Different group, but they serve as a kind of template for you. But they're some bad mothers. They've been screwing with human events for the last 5000 years. If you want a project to last you for the rest of your afterlife, take them on. You'll have an advantage because you look like them. But they're some mean bastards."
"I'm starting to feel like everything has already been planned out for me."
"Hardly. The ending ain't written for this story yet."
***
Hie thee to Kolob
I appeared before the Mormon guys popping out of slipspace. That is, I was hiding behind a tree. They stopped dead on their trail and went into kung fu stances. Surprised like this, they looked like they were finally going to confront me.
"Hi guys." I said. My voice was getting a lot more trained. I had some more sophisticated bellows in my throat and the water bottle was stretched tighter. I had found a midway point between squeaky balloon fart noise and raspberries.
The typically quiet one, Elder Barton, spoke up this time. "Okay, you've been chasing us around town long enough, creature." They were bobbing around ready to do physical combat. "I guess you want to eat our souls or something."
"I'm impressed with you guys, really. I mean, most folks would be running like Hell, but here you are, standing your ground, like friggin troopers." They brightened with the praise and stood a little straighter.
Elder Johnson snapped out of it, "Hey, might you be a deceiver?"
"Brigham Young said, 'Adam was made from the dust of an earth, but not the dust of this earth.' Heh, relax, you don't have to talk like Brigham Young around me. Sure, I've been stalking you, but only because I've got a mission for you."
"We're already on a mission."
"We asked our Mission commander about you."
"Oh yea, what did he say?"
Elder Johnson kicked Elder Barton. But he ignored him and just went on. "Well," said the Elder Barton, who was nobody's fool, "he said that you were not serpentine, and thus not of the devil. He wanted us to find out if you were one of the Wandering Nephites."
"Yea, I've heard of these guys. They're the immortal cats who impregnate the Earth women. Look, guys. I ain't here to deceive you. As far as I know, I am not a Nephite. Who I am is the Spacemummy."
"4-Rabbit-Lemur?"
"That's some heavy shit, guys."
"Aren't you supposed to have one of those funny beards?"
"Had to shave it off when I got a job at Orange Julius." This seemed to satisfy them. "Listen, fellas. If you join my crew, I'll do my best to hie you to Kolob."
"No. Really?" They looked at each other. They seemed to be in some kind of disagreement, though they were not letting on what it was. "Hold on a second." They took a moment to argue amongst themselves.
"So when are you heading that way?" Asked the Elder Johnson.
"I got some things to take care of first."
Elder Barton shrugged. But Elder Johnson seemed to take the situation a little more seriously. "This could be a plot to enslave us unto the Egyptians again." He said to his compatriot.
"But weren't the tablets in Egyptian hieroglyphics?" said Elder Barton. This seemed to cinch the deal for them for whatever abstruse reason. "Beam us aboard, mummy."
"Actually, we're going to have to walk to the ship. We don't have anything so fancy as a matter transporter."