What is this Bjornix?
Come to find out, Bjornix was not just the company that offered the Spacemummy kit, it was also a viral operating system that took over my computer when I rebooted. Somehow, it installed itself under my Macrosnob OS and treated it like it was any other program And it increasingly pushed it out of the way. How the hell it did that, I cannot guess. It's like putting the table cloth under an entire meal without disturbing an entree.
Several new icons appeared on my desktop. One was labeled "Contact Dog*." Another was "Mummy Care Manual.mum." A new folder was there called, "My Doguments." This was too much. I wish they would have just changed my whole user interface than to parody it. But I guess they wanted to go with what people knew.
I found this in doguments under "bjornix/mummy_edition/README":
Hello post-hedonic engineer! Thanks for trying Bjornix. You'll notice that Bjornix has completely enhanced your computer's software, using your old OS as a window manager. Bjornix uses Emu (emu recursively stands for Emu Munges U, the meaning of which has been lost to obscurity, but it could also stand for emulation) tools that rip the look and feel off whatever primitive interface you have become accustomed to. But the emu way is so much more.
Bjornix is the OS that evolves as you do. You'll notice as you use it that not only are you getting to know the emu/Bjornix way, but you are finding new and probably dent-headed ways to accomplish something. Good luck!"
Whatever software I installed when I jumped in the turkeybag was more insidious than a virus. It didn't just open me up and look inside, it slowly took over like a mold spot on a perpetually damp carpet. Besides changing the whole complexion of my desktop, giving everything a mystical look, cyber-hieroglyphic, an icon might appear and disappear in a moment, as if it were making some decisions on its own.
In spite of its quirks, everything about the Bjornix OS seemed to be geared toward getting things done. I had a tough time jerking around with games and endless searching the web for digitainment as I had done as a fresh fellow. There didn't seem to be any email forwarded from my old friends and family.
And the spam was really strange: "Spacemummy, you've been pre-evolved. Click here for hardagains." "Get whiter, cleaner, harder fibulae." All my porn was transformed too. I found links in my Thothzilla browser to "Barely 1800 years old-- dessicated and doin it!" I'm not sure if you could say I got excited looking at the pages. I was enraged, enthused and bewildered. And I figured these were going to be my standard emotions from then on. The pages had absurd popup ads like "Put your octofoot in these hyperpants and jump into the fraylay." Better to be a spacemummy than a kid today. I'm not quite sure what I mean by that. I'd become prone to all sorts of random thoughts and urges. Do boiled eggs dream of hot liquid chicken?
Mummy makes contact
Having not met any other spacemummies, I'd come to just think of myself as The Spacemummy, but I wasn't the only one. Bjornix had not sold too many of the kits. But I found others on SMIRC, a chat program that I found installed one day when I was futzing around with the computer. I guessed Bjornix had decided it was time for me to find some company.
***smummy joins #dogstarchat
<smummy> Hi, Spacemummy here. How's everybody?
***setthakilla has left #dogstarchat
***xThothx has left #dogstarchat
<isis6969> :p were all spacemumms here.
<klaatusphinx> newb, plplft
<smummy> Wow, really??????
<isis6969> you must've just finally hit your [alt] key.
<smummy> Right, and when I did, I got a whole new set of menus.
<isis6969> wait, are you that guy in kansas?
<smummy> Why?
*klaatusphinx spit natron out nose
<isis6969> well, dog* told us about you
<smummy> What did he say?
<amonRocker> dog sed ur a lam0r
<klaatusphinx> and ur a meat lux0r, amen
<amonRocker> dot start wit me, flogistain
<isis6969> he said you were a slow starter. and never mind those clowns. i think they got their kits selling seeds.
<amonRocker> i piss in ur canoptic urn, mummypuss
<klaatusphinx> warterva
*klaatusphinx fart
***klaatusphinx left has left #dogstarchat
<smummy> But I'm enthusiastic!
<amonRocker> mor liek spastik
<smummy> Mind if I ask some silly questions?
<amonRocker> tats ur firts
<smummy> What?
<isis6969> go head mumms.
<smummy> What are we supposed to be doing?
***horusDaHo has joined #dogstarchat
<horusDaHo> anybuddy into fisting?
<isis6969> that would ruin all the mystery
<horusDaHo> are you afraid of getting all stretched out?
<isis6969> not talking to you
<horusDaHo> ok wotever. nobody fuckin on.
***horusDaHo has left #dogstarchat
amonRocker is now known as mumslapr
<mumslapr> isis be ur mommeee.
<isis6969> shaddup, dweeb
*isis6969 kicks mumslapr=mangy dog begging for attention
<smummy> I don't think you would ruin much mystery. I mean, I'm just starting and there seems to be so much.
<isis6969> well ill tell you. i played a lot of games in my time. and thats what this seems like. near as i can tell from the monstropolis boards, you complete certain tasks and you just keep going, kinda like gaining levels. like a big mud for peeps who bought the set.
<smummy> Monstropolis? Is that a place?
<isis6969> have you made your accumulator yet?
<smummy> I was just going to start on that.
<isis6969> mmmm. thats the first thing i did.
*isis6969 hears orggy calling
<mumslapr> i bet u liek tat
*mumslapr hups isis6969 leg
<isis6969> i haven't built the mummyship yet, but then again, who has? you have to do all kinds of shit to even get the plans.
<smummy> I just got out of the bag yesterday. So I'm getting to know the software and such.
<mumslapr> d00d, u got in teh bag?
<smumm> Yea, hasn't everyone?
<isis6969> well... mumm, i dont think many have. i mean, i thought you needed to be dead first. most peeps just loaded the software
<mumslapr> wooooooahhhhhhhh
<isis6969> i figured id get a friend to put me in
<isis6969> im tryin to think of somebody who has
mumslapr is now known as mumsbiyatch
<mumsbiyatch> mebbe setXevol
<isis6969> yea, maybe. he goes by different names, usually have set in them. which is omonous if you know the back story.
<smummy> Yes, Set is kind of like the devil. The original serpent. I bet the Eden tale derives Lucifer from Set.
<isis6969>*nods* soooooo. cmon mumm, what's it like in the bag?
<smummy> That would ruin all the mystery.
You have left channel #dogstarchat
***
Bjornix is not for the unadventurous
Nodehumper? What's this? Another new piece of software. Quantum data munger? Fuck. And there's not even a school you can to for this shit. I got distracted from trying to figure out what was happening to my computer when I saw my friends in their suits walking across a field on their way to visit a neighbor. They had their yoyos out flipping them around their arms expertly. I got excited and jumped up and down. “Rar, rar, rar!”
I ran out the door and followed in hot pursuit like a beestung badger. “Roron, rormon.” Which to them was a warning to run before I ripped them apart. They took flight across the field kicking up clods of thick clay soil and fertilizer, losing leaflets as they ran. Alas, they were too quick for me as didn't even have bandages on yet and I quickly fell behind. I needed some serious technology if I was going to have any kind of fun.
I returned to my glowing box of mystery and stared into like an oracle, waiting for signs of how to procede.