How come I gotta run into this crazy drunk fuck every time I step out the door? I guess it's because he lives in a garage up the street. Maybe it's also because I called the police on him 5 years ago when he was flashing his hardon at me and my friends when we walked home from school. We called the cops and they took him away, but then no one wanted to press charges.
He rented the garage from his sister-in-law who put up with him after her husband died out of fear, loneliness, maybe something we didn't understand. The neighborhood was an ancient suburb, kind of decaying. Eddie was the part that was just the most far gone.
We would ride by on our bikes and throw shit at him. Waterballoons, a sack full of dog shit, anything to get him riled up. It became this thing to see if we could. And maybe he would break our arms or something.
"I'm iguana straighten out your twisted dick, boy. I'm iguana do the same for your colon. You better run boy, I'm gonna shoot fireworks up your ass and then toke off you like you were a big bong." Classic shit like that. We'd try to remember what he said later.
He's standing in the driveway spilling his beer on the oil slick left by a Dodge Charger that sat there for as long as I can remember. It was just hauled off last Summer. He's looking at me, really strange, kind of sad. I'm walking around the block like I do. I never go to anyone's house. It's something we decided was better, just to walk around. If someone wants to hang they'll find you here. Or out on the slab behind the school. Or down by the creek.
Fucking Crazy Eddie is giving me this queer look. Not because he's a queer, but because he's fucked. He motions to me to come talk to him. I shrug, like what they fuck.
"C'mere, c'mere."
"Fuck you."
"No, seriously." He's kind of doing that dance you do when you're almost too drunk to stand. On Eddie, it looks like a greasy biker trying to do the Nutkracker Suite or something.
"What?"
"C'mere, drink a beer with me."
"I ain't drinking out of your beer."
"I'll give you one of your own."